Funny stories....now

[DX grunt]

Time for another coffee spraying thread, so get those plastic keyboard and monitor covers out....

Many years ago, when one of my kids was about 2 years old, we owned an 8 seater.

One day, he climbed into it and locked himself in. After a couple of attempts to coax him out, he wouldn't open the door, so I would run around to each door trying to open it. But he would be quicker than me and press the button to lock it.

Eventually I would bang on a window and in a stern voice tell him to open the car door.
Like any 2 yo, he thought it was a joke.

Well as I was about to bang on the window, he stuck his face against it, and when I did bang on it, I knocked his front tooth out.

A quick trip to the dentist wasn't the answer. His gum got infected and he had his tooth taken out under general anaesetic. He didn't like dentists for a few years after that.

He couldn't grasp a few words properly because air would slip through betweeen his tongue and the missing tooth. He would say things like, fings, fongs, fanks and sanks.

Anyway, for the next 4 or 5 years, I saw this big cheezy smile from this cute looking kid, with one tooth missing. I felt so sorry for him. Thankfully it was his baby tooth and his second set turned out fine. His school photos portrayed him with a big smile but mouth closed! Wonder why?

I felt so guilty, but all's good now. He's turning 17, 196cm, about 90kg and has a head full of teeth. I wouldn't try that now though!

Over to you.....

[AB]

Ok cards on the table...

I was dating a croation lady who of course had a croation father.

This guy was huge. I'm not a small bloke but this guy was atleast 6'5, built like a brick and looked scary.

First time meeting the olds i came into the house and everyone was sitting at the coffee table.

I walked up to shake the dad's hand and as i walked over to the lounge room rug their belovered 20 year old German Sheppard came running infront of me.

My girrafe legs accidently kicked the dog square in the head and this all mighty yelping came out and the dog ran off crying as i held my hand out waiting for the hand shake from a very angry croation man.

I turned red as a raddish and eventually got my hand shake but to top it off I took his daughter out, bought her home and of course i stayed in the other room but couldnt sleep.

I went to the fridge to get a beer and as i grabbed a beer from the fridge he walked past the hallway and saw me taking one of his beers and gave me a death stare. Like fire was coming out of his eyes burning me!!!

I broke up with her 3 days later....This guy was mad and i was scared...lol

[DX grunt]

More cards on the table.....

When I first went and met my ex's Italian parents, I was told of a tradition to 'kiss' on both cheeks. I accepted their Italian tradition in good faith until one day I kissed the father on both cheeks. Only thing was... he had 3 days growth. Never done it since. YUK, YUK, spit, spit, spit. PS. they are still lovely people, but yuk still..

[AB]

I would say 50/50.

Should I go into the room but what if mad dog croation catches me....lol

[DX grunt]

I would say 50/50.

Should I go into the room but what if mad dog croation catches me....lol

???? intent ???? lololol

[Maxhead]

That's where you went wrong Andy, you should have walked in with a bottle of vodka or grapa for the old man and he would have loved you from first sight......and the daughter would have been yours..haha.
The Croats love their drink

[AB]

Grapa sends shivers up my spine.

Quick hijack...Friends wedding, wife to be croation, drunk gallons of grapa and ended up at a teeny bopper nightclub looking like a freak dressed up and got home at 7am....Grapa!!! Took me 2 days to know my name again.

[YNOT]

During my high school years, my best mate Ed and I used to ride our bikes to and from school everyday. In the mornings I would ride to his place, then we'd ride to school together. Part of the ride to school was getting up on the wet grass riding down one particular hill, and doing the biggest wildest skids we could.
One afternoon we agreed to swap bikes for the night. What I didn't realise until the ride to school the following day, was during the night, the clever bugger switched the brake cables around on my bike. The ride to school the next day started the same as any other, until we got up on the wet grass. As usual I hit it with a good bit of speed, leaned foward and grabbed the rear brakes......only it was the front brakes now!!! Well, I went over the handle bars, travelled about 10 feet through the air before crashing over a chain wire fence, and rolling down the wet grass. it must have been spectacular because Ed nearly wet himself laughing, and was incoherrent for some time afterwards.
Having crashed my bikes many times before, I crashed quite well, and came away with nothing more than grass stains on my school uniform.

Tony

[locks]

During my high school years, my best mate Ed and I used to ride our bikes to and from school everyday. In the mornings I would ride to his place, then we'd ride to school together. Part of the ride to school was getting up on the wet grass riding down one particular hill, and doing the biggest wildest skids we could.
One afternoon we agreed to swap bikes for the night. What I didn't realise until the ride to school the following day, was during the night, the clever bugger switched the brake cables around on my bike. The ride to school the next day started the same as any other, until we got up on the wet grass. As usual I hit it with a good bit of speed, leaned foward and grabbed the rear brakes......only it was the front brakes now!!! Well, I went over the handle bars, travelled about 10 feet through the air before crashing over a chain wire fence, and rolling down the wet grass. it must have been spectacular because Ed nearly wet himself laughing, and was incoherrent for some time afterwards.
Having crashed my bikes many times before, I crashed quite well, and came away with nothing more than grass stains on my school uniform.

Tony

You have to give him credit for that trick though...lol

My computer nerd friend set me up one day by changing the sound on my laptop computer. He changed the shutting down computer sound to a girl having an Orgasm. So when i shut my computer down at school rather than the normal windows "good bye sound" this girl started to scream and moan which made me look like i was watching po-rn. Everyone looked at me and laughed and there was no way i could stop it.

The sound just kept going and going and going and all I could was to press and hold the button down to force the computer to stop. I couldve killed him that day and no one believed me that Owen set me up. I kopt it hard for many months after that...lol

[YNOT]

I first met Ed back in preschool, we've been mates ever since. I was best man at his wedding, he's been best man at both of mine. Most of my funniest memories have him in them.
Ed and I, and often our mate Chris, spent many a booze fueled night at the Sunnybank Hotel. Come closing time, we'd walk out through the carpark, and more often than not find a shopping trolley. Ed's place was about 4 km from the pub, 3/4 of it down hill, so trollies were a great way to get home. One of us in the trolley, the other behind getting it moving and attempt to keep it pointed roughly in the right direction.
One night we must have found 2 trollies, because Ed had one to himself. We'd run like buggery then jump up (bob sled style) and land our feet on the back of the trolley riding it till it stopped, usually on its side. Ed got a bit over enthusiastic with one of his jumps, with his hands firmly gripping the handle, he leapt up, but his feet missed the target. With his weight now forward of his hands, he proceed to gracefully tip head first into the trolley, his feet high in the air. That's how he remained for about the next 150-200 metres as his sled bumped, bucked and pirhouetted down the road untill it inevitably crashed into the concrete gutter sending him cartwheeling over the foot path.

Tony

[Alex Ruby]

My turn..... I grew up in the Mojave Desert in Southern California (USA). When I was about 10 years my best frield and I were camping in desert right behind my parents house. We decided it would be cool to light a giant tumbleweed on fire. Big mistake. This tumbleweed was at least 50CM tall. No sooner that we light it the wind picks up. Picture two ten year olds chasing a huge ball of fire through the desert that hadn't seen any rain for 6 months. Luckly for us the wind died down enough for us to stomp out the fire. I can't remember what kind of lie we told to my parents to explain why the bottom of our sneakers were melted, but it worked. We didn't get an any trouble. My friend and I to this day still to this day laugh about that.

[Woods]

What a crack up, great stories everyone!

I'll have to think of some and get back to you's but It's gonna be hard top these ones...hahaha

[patch697]

Hmmm, I didn't think this story was funny at the time but I do now!

When I was about 14 or 15 I had a secret stash of "lady" mags hidden in the bush near my home. One day a couple of mates and I were in our secret spot checking out the mags for about the 100th time, then we headed back to my place. I didn't know at the time that one of my mates had taken the "Miss November" centrefold out of the mag and put it in his pocket. When we got back to my place, my old man was in the shed and I think mum was in the house somewhere. My mate with the centrefold in his pocket pulled it out and pegged it up on the washing line in the back yard. When I saw what he'd done and sh*t myself! I ran to tear it down but my mate spun the washing line around and I was chasing it around and around like an idiot. He kept it perfectly matched to my pace so I wasn't gaining on it and was just running laps around the washing line panicking that my parents would come out and catch me with this picture. I didn't think at the time to stop and just grab the washing line!! Cracks me up now, but not at the time.

Lol...... Nice one. Some mate?.

Where I grow up as a kid that would have got you a smack in the teeth.

Hmmm The golden years..........?

[locks]

This may be one of those "had to be there" stories but we will see how it goes. Does anyone remember the TV adds that had the extremely unusual "funny" car accidents which was an insurance ad. One night our family was watching tv and one of those ads came on.

It was the advert where a couple are driving along a road and next minute someone throws a ball for their dog which flies off the cliff down the hill and over the road. The dog chases the ball, jumps off a 10 foot cliff through the sunroof of the sports car and lands perfectly in the centre console of the car. The couple scream and go off the road over the jetty and flying into the lake. Then the music plays "lucky your with AAMI" or something like that.

Next minute Mum says "you know what, that could happen so easy. I bet that happens all the time. People should be careful with there sunroof open".

We all look at eachother and piss ourselves laughing. WTF mum how the hell could that happen, what would the chances of a dog jumping off a cliff landing perfectly in the car through the sunroof. Then she says "well it could happen easily, what if It's in the country and a dog is sitting on a fence post and jumps as the car goes by. By now we are rolling around the ground laughing, WTF, what kind of dog sits on a fence post waiting for a car to drive by to try and jump through the sunroof....hahahahha

Mightve been one of those had to be there stories but man that was a crack up, mum cracked it and walked out of the room, we were in tears for days after that!

[Woof]

Hey Locks, your mum is correct there is a very rare dog that does that, it is call a "Post Setter" not to be confused with a "Irish Setter":wink:

[locks]

Hey Locks, your mum is correct there is a very rare dog that does that, it is call a "Post Setter" not to be confused with a "Irish Setter":wink:

Classic!

We couldn't just explain to her that you would have more chance winning the lotto then a dog jumping off a cliff thorugh the sunroof and landing on the console.

She did cop a lot of grief for a very long time after that, poor mummsy!!!

[DX grunt]

Also had horse sh*t stuffed in my mouth by these "mates" once but I got my own back by hitting one flush between the eyes with a yonnie!

Ahh childhood.....don't ya just love it? Glad we behave differently now. lol.

Did that one too Plasy. Skipped a yonnie across the river to the other side and hit my mate fair in the head. Cost him a couple of stitches.. LOLOLOL

[Woof]

Did that one too Plasy. Skipped a yonnie across the river to the other side and hit my mate fair in the head. Cost him a couple of stitches.. LOLOLOL

What the hell is a "Yonnie", never heard of them:confused:

[DX grunt]

What the hell is a "Yonnie", never heard of them:confused:

Doh, Doggie. It's not Latin.

It's a flat stone that you can skim across the water and it skips quite a few times before it sinks. It's gravity that makes it sink you know?

U can use these flat stones (yonnies) to play skip tor.

Us old Victorians know what it means, hey Plassy. Oops, gave too much away. Car'n the Dockers! LOL.

[Finly Owner]

Hmmm, sneak into his daughter's room or steal his beer?

Sounds like suicide either way mate!! LOL!
yeah I reckon he thought you had already been with daughter and were quenching thirst after the deed. No wonder you got death stare.

[Finly Owner]

Back when I was in Scouts, we used to have Patrol Camps. The older Scouts were usually Patrol Leaders. The Scout Leaders usually weren't around. This one camp we had some new Scouts that had just come up from Cubs. Well they wer to be iniated, and I was told by a Patrol Leader to go tell the younger scouts to lights and out bunk down. I knew what was being planned and was told not to say anything about it. Back then the PL (patrol leader) was to be listened to when no ScoutLeader was around. Well the iniations happened which (I later found out) consisting of toothpaste being rubbed on there balls. As you could imagine these young fellas wen't home telling of what happened. Therefore going to the Scout Leader. The next Scout Meeting Night, all participants of the initiating party were asked to fess up. Well that all wentas best the Scout Leader could hope for, except I missed out on the punishment. Which turned out to be all of them had to scrub the wooden floor of the Scout Den with toothbrushes. My relief was short lived as I was asked did I participate. So, I said no, I did as I was ordered, by a PL. This was good enough to end up as one of them scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush! I apparently knew what the plan was so I was supposed to refuse to do as I was ordered by a PL. Now I can see the funny side of it. And I might add I'm glad I joined Scouts and didn't come up from Cubs.

[patch697]

What the hell is a "Yonnie", never heard of them:confused:

Doggie please tell me your joking.....PLEASE


Cheers
Paul

[Maxhead]

What the hell is a "Yonnie", never heard of them:confused:

I'm with you dogman, I've never heard of a Yonnie.
Us simple folk just call it a stone..lol

[YNOT]

I'm with you dogman, I've never heard of a .
Us simple folk just call it a stone..lol

X2, I'd never heard of a .

Tony

[AB]

X2, I'd never heard of a yonnie.

Tony
x3, never heard of a .

Even Google has no idea what a is???

Must be an old folks saying or something...lol

[DX grunt]

x3, never heard of a .

Even Google has no idea what a is???

Must be an old folks saying or something...lol

U blokes are unbelievable ! How many years have u lived on this earth and not known what a '' is?

Shame on you! LOLOLOL

[AB]

Do you know what a is Rossco?

[patch697]

U blokes are unbelievable ! How many years have u lived on this earth and not known what a '' is?

Shame on you! LOLOLOL

X2 Thats almost UN-Australian............lol

[patch697]

Do you know what a is Rossco?

Come on Andy you made that one up.... lol

[AB]

nah nah nah, It's an Aussie slang used by I think Gen X and maybe Y if they had older brothers/sisters.

[locks]

I know what a is Andy, is this guy a ?

http://www.sonofthewaves.net/familyblog/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/1440toilet_redneck.jpg

[patch697]

LOL............ You young blokes??????........lol

Maybe us "slightly" older blokes need to keep up with the times.............lol

[AB]

I'm not that young old mate.

How old are you Mr Patch697???

Spot on Locks, well done mate!

[patch697]

I'm not that young old mate.

How old are you Mr Patch697???

Spot on Locks, well done mate!

Well old mate Im pretty sure im older than you & younger than Rossco.....

You can ball park it from there Mr Andy........lol

[AB]

lol...Yep, without sounding rude your closer to my age then Rossco I would imagine.

[locks]

Well you all seem to be older than me...lol. So I'm guessing if your over 30 you start to hide your age a bit after reading some stories on here.

[patch697]

lol...Yep, without sounding rude your closer to my age then Rossco I would imagine.

LOL.... Not rude at all mate & I think im close to the half way point.

[patch697]

Well you all seem to be older than me...lol. So I'm guessing if your over 30 you start to hide your age a bit after reading some stories on here.

Lol...Pretty much..........lol

Just think its to your benefit though you can call on our years of hands on

[DX grunt]

Well, I'm starting afternoon shift in a little while and I had a nanna nap. Does that help disclose my age? lol

My age was compromised on another Forum. Damn it, Dogman! lolol

[AB]

I borrowed the father in laws lawnmower on the weekend as it takes mine an hour to get going.

As usual, filled it up with 2 stroke and started mowing. Suddenly it coughs and splurts and stops.

Checked all the usual but then realised It's straight unleaded...lol

The father in law wanted it back on Sunday and my misses was watching me all day flushing the fuel out and trying to start the damn thing all day and started asking questions.

I had to make up lies about how I was cleaning the fuel lines for him so it would run better as a thanks for letting me borrow it.

Not even sure if lawn mowers have fuel filters but I'm sure its blocked up now...haha

The worse thing is I didnt realise the fuel type for about an hour so I was constantly trying to get it going and little did I know that I was just slowly blocking the lines and filter more and more and more.

Its running good now, missing a beat here and there so I'm going to have to check out if It's got a filter as It's not visible on the outside.

Also taking a risk posting this here if he ever finds it but thought you guys would find it funny....Worth the risk for a story!

He loves engines, builds cars up in his spare time and is extremely clean with his tools. Me, I'm messy and always push things to their limits which catches me out sometimes...lol

[DX grunt]

My younger mate lost his troll fuel cap, so the servo gave him another one. Another mate borrows his car & trailer and goes to the servo to fill up. We see this so stop and say hello, is everything OK?

As we pull up, the bowser was going and the ULP nozzle was in the diesel tank. Thankfully nothing happened. The mate who borrowed the troll said "the fuel cap says "unleaded" and naturally presumed this troll was unleaded - wrong.

[DX grunt]

Remember one of the golden rules as a kid? "Don't run across the road".

Broke that rule about 3 years ago and went for a dive into the bitumen.

Cost me half a tooth, 6 stitches in my palm and a lot of pride!

[DX grunt]

OK here's another confession.

About 10 years ago when I was driving buses, I was driving the public transport buses here in Geelong. We had been driving Volvos from about the early 90's and everything was going sweet (apart from the idiots you have to transport along the way). Well the company buys a couple of new you-beaut top-of-the-range latest hi-tech whiz-bang buses with all the bells and whistles. The dash wraps right around you and looks like the cockpit from a FA-18 Hornet, but unfortunately doesn't have heads-up display! Anyway it was my first day in one of the new buses and admittedly I was still fairly new to the public transport buses. Well I'm driving along and a passenger pushes the button to get off and a bell rings to alert me. I pull over at the next stop and let them off. I get underway again and another passenger pushes the button. The bus is only a couple of days old and all of a sudden I see a light come up on the dash. An orange light with a symbol that I didn't recognise. "Oh shit, what does that mean?" I let the passenger off and a bit further down the road the light has gone off. Another passenger pushes the button and as I'm driving along the light comes back on. "Bloody hell, what does it mean?" So I drop them off and I'm getting concerned that there's something going on with this new bus. I think to myself "maybe I should call the service guys to ask. Nahhh, It'll be right." So I keep driving and then the light comes back on. "Sh!t something could be happening here and this is a brand spanking new bus. I'd be in the sh!t if I did anything bad to it." So I radio the service guys with a query about a mystery light. Of course the whole bus network is on the same radio channel and the old farts love nothing better than listening in to everyone's discussions and having a yack in the lunchroom later on about it. Well I get through to the service guys and explain that there's a light coming up on the dash and ask what it it. "It's an orange light, top row, 3rd from the left" I say. The service guy says "That's the light that comes on when someone wants to get off!". "Oh right, thanks" I say and wish I could disappear into the seat, coz I know every other bus driver in the fleet is right at this moment pissing themselves laughing. So I get back to the depot later that day and they're all saying "What does that light mean Rohan?" "If I'm out there and this light comes on what should I do?" etc, etc, etc. I felt like an idiot but I justified it by saying "At least I've got the balls to ask questions. I'm only looking after the bus you know". But I still felt bloody stupid and took me ages to live that one down!!

So who was your idol - Reg Varney or 'Blakey'? "Butler, I'll get you for this" LOLOLOLOL

[DX grunt]

Fair dinkum, sometimes I wonder how I got a licence to carry a brain!

LOL!!

Me too. lolololol

Hope u didn't burn yr feet?

[DX grunt]

Dogman,

I'd hate for Finly to see you hook the camper trailer up to your troll. Then he'd call u a grey nomad for sure. lolol

BTW Finly, I've seen Dogman in the flesh, and he holds his age really well. lolol

[DX grunt]

Bump.

I've put my heart and soul on the line, so now it's time to hear your funny stories... now.

[Finly Owner]

Ah pulling this one from the archives Plassy?

[Finly Owner]

Ok when I was on Endeavour Rally, one of the team in our car had , had a few too many and being unstable when releiving himself he continued doing so over my boot while on my foot.

So later when he went to bed, he was out ot it, I tied his swag shut. You should have seen the struggle in the morning, it was a riot!

Tim

[indigothecat]

Oh Rossco mate, I feel for you!

Well one day I was riding my BMX bike around the place and there was a group of kids jumping their bikes over some stacked up tyres. ...


We lived in a small NW (WA) town in the 70's and my 2 brothers and I did this also though the kids were using sheet of chip board and house bricks. We were up to 5 bricks high when the fool on a Malvern Star tried to out jump the BMX's, only to ride through the chip board and buckle front tyre on pile of bricks.

Mind you our specialty was making mud piles setting rock hard in the WA sun and then coercing the neighborhood kids to lay down side by side so we could jump over them. If we could not find not enough kids to make a decent jump then those "volunteers" were lined up head to toe. Malvern Star needed a big hill but she leaped a lot of kids. :)

[katwoman]

1 Of the reasons why I am more mechanically minded than most my gender...
My first car was a Datsun200B, after yet another late night/early morning 'cruisin ' the streets I went to drop BF ( now hubby) and friend off at their home. Stopped to BS for a while, and when I went to leave the car would not move ! 'My car wont go' I say. 'Take the handbrake off !!' They say, I check. 'It is off' I say. 'Put the clutch in' they say, 'it is,' I say. 'Put it in gear', 'it is'. On and on and on. Til me almost in tears cos my gearbox is broken gets out, shine torch under car thinking gearbox would be lying on ground, instead found bricks under every wheel !!
My first lesson of not believing a damn thing they say !!

[nowoolies]

well this one is short and sweet
just went out the back (was gunna give that next door`s yapping mutt a brick )........................but
got caught on the sliding door lock now my shirt is going in the bin, ripped the damn thing just about off
bl##dy dogs gunna get a big brick in the morning hahahahahaha

[Spock]

Lizard Birth'

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, this story below is for you.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad . Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 000?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!



(Didn't really happen to me but I thought it a funny story.

[timbar]

Lizard Birth'

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, this story below is for you.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me
there was 'something wrong' with one of the two
lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm
serious, Dad . Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and
followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having
babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't
want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this
sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I
reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you
know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see
what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what
looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I
noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed
the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the
same results.

'Should I call 000?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You
see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to
him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I
mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to
giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not
believing that the woman I married would commit
the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad ,'
he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing
with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

i feel 4 u mate woman can be so cruel would have been totaly differnt if the shoe was on the other foot tho

[AB]

Ive never read that before Spock....What a cracker of a story!!!

[Sir Roofy]

only spock can carry a tale like that one
good one mate

[Silver]

Yep that would have been a funny moment mate! One of those moments you will remind your mum of for years to come.

One night on the Lion's Road a big green tree frog jumped through the open window and landed on my arm. Certainly made me take a look and not a bad effort by Mr or Mrs Frog given I was driving to the conditions and not exactly creeping along. So, I reckon a Mutley arriving through the sun roof is a possibility, at least. However I have to differ from your Mrs who proposed that said dog was standing on a fence post...

[Spock]

Another chapter in the Spock homestead.....



STUN GUN


Don't buy your lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for your anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Bairnsdale Pawn Shop that attracted my interest. The occasion was our 2nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Jenni (The Sequel). What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser for personal protection.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Jenni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative.


SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left) sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Numb Nuts







(Again didn't really happen to me, or did it?)

[NissanGQ4.2]

Spock, that is funniest story i have every heard.... think i just pissed my pants from laughter......

note 2 oneself......do not test taser on oneself.....if in need of test subject visit Spock....

[Maxhead]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH.

Thanks mate, I haven't laughed this hard for a long time...classic

[Sir Roofy]

Youve done it again,brought tears to my eyes
good one garry

[growler2058]

Oh man i'm cryin how f'n funny is that

[Spock]

In my younger days backpacking in the Asian continent I had the misfortune to find myself in Natal during their peak Curry festival season.



Note: Please take time to read this slowly.


For those of you who have lived in or been to Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Natal Show.

Notes from my travel diary as follows:



"Recently, I was honoured to be asked to be a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge #3 (Me -Spock), an innocent tourist who just happened to be passing through.


CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Spock) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Curry #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight curry tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 000. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 Me -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report

I still have no recollection of the following 3 weeks.

Spock hates Curries.

[growler2058]

HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHA HAH I love a bit of spice am goin to a chilli trail this weekend, mate i can almost feel your pain. In thailand a couple years back a local mate challenged me.........I'm a big tuff Aussie I'll be right..............well i didnt loose but there was no winner either. Thank buddah thay have hoses on their dunnies so i didnt have to wipe!!!

[AB]

What a crack up Spock!!!

your a sucker for punishment....lol

[growler2058]

Please dont take the wrong way ladies

[AB]

Wow, those were the days...lol.

I think It's a complete role reversal these days as if I dont obey my misses then all hell will break loose...lol

[growler2058]

Wow, those were the days...lol.

I think It's a complete role reversal these days as if I dont obey my misses then all hell will break loose...lol


Mate I'm deleting it from my computer history and all if my missus thought i found somethin like this funny she'd punch me out hahahahahhahahahahahaha it is a bit funny tho

[Bigrig]

Mate I'm deleting it from my computer history and all if my missus thought i found somethin like this funny she'd punch me out hahahahahhahahahahahaha it is a bit funny tho

I just read it to mine, and for some reason she was pulling a face like a pug having a sh!t, and hasn't spoken to me since!!! Well ... That worked!!! lmfao!!!

[growler2058]

I just read it to mine, and for some reason she was pulling a face like a pug having a sh!t, and hasn't spoken to me since!!! Well ... That worked!!! lmfao!!!

Oh man your one brave Gringo:bowdown: hahahahha

[Bigrig]

Oh man your one brave Gringo:bowdown: hahahahha

Yeah .. a kickboxing Croatian missus and I took the challenge!!! LMFAO!!!

[Sir Roofy]

come on fellas stand your ground,wait till you see the whites of there eyes
then comprimise

[Bigrig]

come on fellas stand your ground,wait till you see the whites of there eyes
then comprimise

Haha .. that's the "Roofy's Confrontation 101" guide is it?? LOL

[AB]

come on fellas stand your ground,wait till you see the whites of there eyes
then comprimise

Obey me little man!!!!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2011/03/25.jpg

[Sir Roofy]

In my younger days backpacking in the Asian continent I had the misfortune to find myself in Natal during their peak Curry festival season.



Note: Please take time to read this slowly.


For those of you who have lived in or been to Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Natal Show.

Notes from my travel diary as follows:



"Recently, I was honoured to be asked to be a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge #3 (Me -Spock), an innocent tourist who just happened to be passing through.


CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Spock) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Curry #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight curry tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 000. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CURRY # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CURRY # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 Me -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CURRY # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CURRY # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CURRY # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report

I still have no recollection of the following 3 weeks.

Spock hates Curries.

i cant see for tears mysides are aching
as usual very funny good on ya mate

[Sir Roofy]

obey me little man!!!!

http://t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:and9gcszgorjj7ky8mxi18k_b57minjpkwuro 95otnh17sjsbfv3tdsvxg

at least you saw the whites of her eyes (ha ha ha lol)

[Sir Roofy]

haha .. That's the "roofy's confrontation 101" guide is it?? Lol

thats it mate if that dont work
prepair for lots of pain lol

[growler2058]

at least you saw the whites of her eyes (ha ha ha lol)

Or white pointers

[Sir Roofy]

Or white pointers

MATE WHAT CAN I SAY MMMmmmmmmmmmmm

[Spock]

Spock is a bad boy, I need to be punished too.

[Bob]

spock is a bad boy, i need to be punished too.


hmmm i did not think you would be into anything like that raflmao

[AB]

I was bought up in an old mud brick house that dad built in the 70's. There was only one toilet which was conveniently upstairs next to Mum and Dads room...

As you can imagine we used to always just wee out the back door (which mum loved being the only female of a family of 4 killing her plants, etc).

Anyways, when I was about 6 I got up in the middle of the night and could'nt find the backdoor key so just grabbed a glass and did my business and left it on the kitchen table.

Next morning mum got up saw the cup and thought that one of the boys mustve had a drink in the middle of the night so she topped the rest up with Apple Juice and gave it to my dad for breaky.

We started to have brekky and next minute dad spits out a mouth of "Apple Juice" all over the kitchen and yells out "what the hell is this, it tastes like pi$$"....I immediatly put two and two together and ran like Forest Gump!!!!

Run Andy Run!!!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2011/03/26.jpg

[growler2058]

I was bought up in an old mud brick house that dad built in the 70's. There was only one toilet which was conveniently upstairs next to Mum and Dads room...

As you can imagine we used to always just wee out the back door (which mum loved being the only female of a family of 4 killing her plants, etc).

Anyways, when I was about 6 I got up in the middle of the night and could'nt find the backdoor key so just grabbed a glass and did my business and left it on the kitchen table.

Next morning mum got up saw the cup and thought that one of the boys mustve had a drink in the middle of the night so she topped the rest up with Apple Juice and gave it to my dad for breaky.

We started to have brekky and next minute dad spits out a mouth of "Apple Juice" all over the kitchen and yells out "what the hell is this, it tastes like pi$$"....I immediatly put two and two together and ran like Forest Gump!!!!

Run Andy Run!!!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2011/03/26.jpg

hahhahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha my cheeks hurt

[Bigrig]

I was bought up in an old mud brick house that dad built in the 70's. There was only one toilet which was conveniently upstairs next to Mum and Dads room...

As you can imagine we used to always just wee out the back door (which mum loved being the only female of a family of 4 killing her plants, etc).

Anyways, when I was about 6 I got up in the middle of the night and could'nt find the backdoor key so just grabbed a glass and did my business and left it on the kitchen table.

Next morning mum got up saw the cup and thought that one of the boys mustve had a drink in the middle of the night so she topped the rest up with Apple Juice and gave it to my dad for breaky.

We started to have brekky and next minute dad spits out a mouth of "Apple Juice" all over the kitchen and yells out "what the hell is this, it tastes like pi$$"....I immediatly put two and two together and ran like Forest Gump!!!!

Run Andy Run!!!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2011/03/26.jpg

Yep. Actually laughing here!!!

[Maxhead]

I was bought up in an old mud brick house that dad built in the 70's. There was only one toilet which was conveniently upstairs next to Mum and Dads room...

As you can imagine we used to always just wee out the back door (which mum loved being the only female of a family of 4 killing her plants, etc).

Anyways, when I was about 6 I got up in the middle of the night and could'nt find the backdoor key so just grabbed a glass and did my business and left it on the kitchen table.

Next morning mum got up saw the cup and thought that one of the boys mustve had a drink in the middle of the night so she topped the rest up with Apple Juice and gave it to my dad for breaky.

We started to have brekky and next minute dad spits out a mouth of "Apple Juice" all over the kitchen and yells out "what the hell is this, it tastes like pi$$"....I immediatly put two and two together and ran like Forest Gump!!!!

Run Andy Run!!!

http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/images/imported/2011/03/26.jpg


Hahah, that's classic. what happened, Did you get a floggin??

[Sir Roofy]

hahah, that's classic. What happened, did you get a floggin??

nah his dad couldnt catch him that day

[katwoman]

Please dont take the wrong way ladies

HAHHAHAHA. Yeah, right.. Sounds like a pamphlet my sister give me a coupla years ago called, 'how to be a better wife'.
Not sure what her point was, but needless to say we dont talk anymore, and I can see why SHE'S the one that's NOT married !!

[growler2058]

HAHHAHAHA. Yeah, right.. Sounds like a pamphlet my sister give me a coupla years ago called, 'how to be a better wife'.
Not sure what her point was, but needless to say we dont talk anymore, and I can see why SHE'S the one that's NOT married !!

AHH you dont need no phamphlet Kat the Eggs and bacon piccie you posted last saturday will suffice hahahahahahahahhahahhahaha

[Bigrig]

I think I've posted this before on another thread, but what the hey ..

When I was a younger lad, living in Brissy it gets bloody hot and humid, so one early morning after a largish time of it at the pub, I came home to mum and dad's joint and mum had made a killer potato salad (real chunky, real creamy ... the best!) and whilst rummaging through the fridge for something to eat, I found it in a big Tupperware dish. Well, I thought I was in heaven so I proceeded to kick off the shoes and jeans, unbutton the shirt, grabbed a spoon, opened the double fridge and freezer doors and nuzzled up into the fridge compartment (sitting on the floor in jocks and socks and open shirt) to keep "cool" whilst I chowed down. Suffice to say, I fell asleep. A few hours later, my parents awoke only to come into the kitchen and find me half undressed, asleep, potato salad all down my front and over the floor, and shivering my anus off as I was nearly hypothermic!!! My old boy just gave me a boot in the ribs and told me to "clean this sh!t up", but alas, mummy came to the rescue and guided me to bed (about 28 degrees by this time, and heading to a top of 35 or something!) and proceeded to put about 8 blankets, 3 sleeping bags, a couple of duna's, and what felt like a space blanket on top of me to make me warm up - well ... as we all know, alcomohol has a tendency on it's own to dry one out and dehydrate, but the fact I laid there sweating like a whore in church for the next few hours ensured that just about every drop of H2O in my body transferred to the bedsheets and mattress ... when I woke, not remembering coming home or anything thereafter, I didnt realise also that the old boy had put the (now ruined) remaining potato salad all over my face and pillow, and having a headache that would have registered on the richter scale, I just figured I must have puked tater salad all over my bed!!!! Very apologetic, I stagger out of bed to get some water (for me) and some cleaning gear off mum ... Dad was into me - "you're a disgrace, and if you think you can just come home here in the wee hours of the morning and wake everybody with your spewing then you'd better think twice about living here" ... I felt like crap anyway, and obviously wasn't in on the game ... They filled me in on the real events immediately after I had cleaned it all up!!! B@stards!!!

Moral to the story - move out of home as early as possible, and if you absolutely must stay there, then when having big nights, make sure you pull, or sleep at a mates joint so as to give your parents no further ammunition to use in getting rid of your sorry arse out of the house so they can enjoy life!!! LOL

[hekarewe]

a few years ago i was 4wding in some very hard country this was in a place called cabbage tree lane behind richmond nth, (now locked off) i was in there with a mate and his red heavally modified Rol lux and guiding him through a set of steps which were a bout 4 to 6 foot high he was going down these by stradling the rocks the gap between much deeper he was going of line and i stopped him and gave him very simple instructions to revers about a foot then reline himself and all would sweet.

to the next thing i know is this red hilux is looking huge hurtling towards me and all i could see was the roof and bonnet i thought it was going to land on my head. as the dust settled and i saw he had made it to the bottom of the steps without a mark (still trying to work that one out) he was still right side up.

"what the hell happened" i yelled replacing shit scared with anger :blowup:

the reply came back "forgot where revers was and i put it in 5th and nailed it" :1087:

"how did not remember where it was?"

"i thought i was driving my work truck!" :oops:

unfortunatly this same friend had a habit of getting bogged then relising he was not in 4wd!!!

[Bigrig]

a few years ago i was 4wding in some very hard country this was in a place called cabbage tree lane behind richmond nth, (now locked off) i was in there with a mate and his red heavally modified Rol lux and guiding him through a set of steps which were a bout 4 to 6 foot high he was going down these by stradling the rocks the gap between much deeper he was going of line and i stopped him and gave him very simple instructions to revers about a foot then reline himself and all would sweet.

to the next thing i know is this red hilux is looking huge hurtling towards me and all i could see was the roof and bonnet i thought it was going to land on my head. as the dust settled and i saw he had made it to the bottom of the steps without a mark (still trying to work that one out) he was still right side up.

"what the hell happened" i yelled replacing shit scared with anger :blowup:

the reply came back "forgot where revers was and i put it in 5th and nailed it" :1087:

"how did not remember where it was?"

"i thought i was driving my work truck!" :oops:

unfortunatly this same friend had a habit of getting bogged then relising he was not in 4wd!!!

Ahhhh ... when skill and finnesse are out the window in getting through something, just stick it in gear and PLANT IT!!!!! LMFAO ...

[hekarewe]

Ahhhh ... when skill and finnesse are out the window in getting through something, just stick it in gear and PLANT IT!!!!! LMFAO ...

know who i am talking about dont you ROFLMAO

[Bigrig]

know who i am talking about dont you ROFLMAO

LOLOLOL!!!! Yep - sorta kinda guessed on that one!!!