The Joke Thread

[patch697]

G/day all I think its time we had a joke thread cos as we are all aware thay are good for a laugh.

Also out of respect for the Woman & Children who may also be reading them can we please keep them clean.

Thanks
Paul

I'll star thing off.

Q: How do you catch a unique Rabbit

A: U-nique up on it

[Johnno]

Thats a classic old man joke Paul...haha

We should change this thread to Classic Dad joke.

like this one.

"What's on the TV tonight dad?"
"Just the VCR son"

[patch697]

Cheers Johnno.

Q: How do you recycle dunny paper?

A: you hang it on the line & beat the crap out of it.

[patch697]

Lol....Keep them coming.

[Nissan Kid]

Lol...Was wondering how long it was going to be before this started


Wife asks husband,

"How many women have you slept with?"


Husband proudly replies,

"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

------------------------------------------------------------------

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great.... that's just great.... some arsehole's got my pen!'

[Nissan Kid]

An american visiting Ireland asked a local working in a boat yard " Gee, why do them there scuba divers fall off of the boat backwards into the water?" The irish man replied " well if they fell forwards they would still be in the boat"

So a rooster and a cat are walking by a pond. The rooster pushes the cat in and starts laughing. The moral of the story? any wet pu$$y makes a c**k happy!

[Pootrol]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, the angel tells them that there's only one space left that day, So the Angel must decide which of them gets in...

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down, then wee’s into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wee's into a Toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair every time no matter how big they are!

[Pootrol]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[patch697]

Some very funny stuff here guys so thanks for posting but it looks as though this is dieing a slow death can we be all out of jokes so soon?


Cheers
Paul

[Timbo]

A cricket walks into a bar for a drink. He says to the bartender;
"'ll have a Jack Daniels and coke thanks."
The bartender says "No worries".. as he is making it, he says "We have a drink named after you".
The grasshopper replies.. "What... Dave?"

[patch697]

Little Johnny is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black
birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?
"Little Johnny says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.
" The teacher replies, "Hmm, there are four left Johnny, but I do like the way you think!"

Little Johnny then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it.
How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then blushing finally replies, "Well,
I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which little Johnny replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring,
but I do like the way YOU think!"

[patch697]

A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in
picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times and bought a Pajero."

[patch697]

little johnnie's naughbour had a baby. unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

when mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
before they left their house little johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained
that the baby had no ears.
his dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears
or even said the word ears,
he would get the smacking of his life when they come back home.
little johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
when johnnie looked in the crib he said,
"what a beautiful baby."
the mother said , why thank you little johnnie.
johnnie said ,he has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.

can he see?
"yes"
the mother replied,
"we are so thankfull; the docter said he will have 20/20 vision."
thats great,
said little johnnie,

coz he'd be stuffed if he needed glasses

[patch697]

Over 5000 years ago Moses said "Pick up your shovels, mount your camels and asses and I will lead you to the promised land"
40 years ago Whitlam said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses and light up a camel, this is the promised land"
Now the government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land.
Last night I was so depressed about health care, taxes, wars, social security, unemployment, savings and retirement funds that I rang lifeline,
got put through to a call centre somewhere in Pakistan, told the guy I was suicidal, he got real exited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[patch697]

Plasnart you can stay on here I like you.....lol

[patch697]

This isn't a joke as such buy funny none the less


THESE REALLY WORK!!



AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HI T THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Carol is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Carol surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Carol .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johny stood up. The teacher said,
'Do you think you're stupid, Johny?' 'No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

Little Johny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Johny
'Giving up?'


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

The math teacher saw that Little Johny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Johny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johny quickly replied,
'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

Little Johny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of
the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.
The detectives want very badly to capture him. Little Johny asked,
"Why didn't you capture him when you took his picture ? "


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

Little Johny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johny asked, 'Dad,
why are you doing that?' His father replied,
Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Johny,
looking worried, & said, 'Dad, I think your best mate Bob wants to buy Mom ...'


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

This one kinda makes ya shiver in fear..............

Dark and Stormy Night..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:



Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that one coming)

Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

This bloke has been married now for 15 years & in all this time has never managed to buy a gift for his wife she liked. She always had something to say about how she didn't like it & why. Well Christmas was coming up fast & his wife has been nagging him for the longest time for a new car, so he decides to buy her one, thinking she wont be able to complain about that.
Christmas day arrived & sitting in the driveway was a brand new BMW 3 sires. He walks his wife outside blindfolded hardly able to contain himself, he removes the blindfold & first thing that came out of her mouth was I don't like that one..... Why whats wrong with it he asks? Its not going to be fast enough. I wanted something that go's from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds. With this the bloke is enraged but keeps it together turns walks into the bathroom comes back with a set of scales, 0 to 100 in 3 seconds you say? stand on these & you will crack 100 in 1.5


Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

Steve Irwin walked into a pub with a crocodile under his arm. He put the crocodile up on the bar and said, "I'm gunna put my willy in this croc's mouth. Anyone wanna bet me a beer that it won't bite it off?"
A bloke in the room said, "Yeah I'll bet ya."
So Steve Irwin drops his dacks then hits the croc on the nose. It opens up its mouth. He puts his willy in the crocs mouth then bangs it on the nose again. It slowly closed its mouth. He then bangs it on the nose again and the croc opens its mouth, and he hasn't been hurt at all.
"Wow, that's amazing!" said the bloke. "I definately owe you are beer for that!"
Steve turns to the crowd in the bar and says, "Anyone else wanna try this?"
An old lady up the back yells out, "Yeah I'll have a go. But don't hit me on the nose so hard!"

Lol.........Thats a cracker that one.

Cheers......lol
Paul

[patch697]

I bought myself a new Ferrari last week. Boy she goes like the clappers. Anyway a couple of days ago I was driving down the Geelong Freeway when I passed a cop with a radar gun. I was speeding a bit and knew he would come after me. Sure enough he did, blue and red lights appearing in my mirror.
"Well I've got a new Ferrari, he won't catch me in that old Commodore." I said to myself.
So I tramp it and get up to 150km/h.
I look in the mirror and the cop is right behind me, so I tramp it again and get up to 200km/h.
Again I look in the mirror and the cop is still right up my arse. So I give it everything and get up to 250km/h.
I checked the mirror and the cop is right behind me and he looks extremely pissed off.
"Ah shit!" I say and then pull over.
The cop walks up to my window and says "Look, it's 10 minutes until the end of my shift and the paperwork for this kind of speeding will take a long time. If you can give me an excuse that I've never heard before I'll just give you a warning."
I thought for a second then said "Well sir, last week my wife left me for a policeman."
"So what's that got to do with you speeding like a lunatic?"
"I thought you were trying to give her back!"

The cop let me go.

That one to.............lol..........

[Minx]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/sites/chucknorrisfacts.com/files/chuckNorris2_logo.png


Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact "raise the roof". And he can do it with one hand.

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood for toilet paper.

[patch697]

Ok dare I ask?????? where you dug that up from.....Hmmmmm.....lol

Cheers
Paul

[Minx]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/

You can even get T-Shirts made up with your favourite slogan...lol

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower. - Classic!

[patch697]

Your a worry Shane.....lol

Cheers
Paul

[patch697]

OK so I'm a fan of stupid jokes. Here's the latest to tickle my funny bone:

A chicken crossed the road and bumped into James Bond. The chicken asks "What's your name?"

"Bond.....James Bond. And you are?"

"Ken.....Chick Ken".

OMG Plassy I think Friday night has really really got to you, maybe you should lay down mate

[patch697]

heh heh I warned you. I'm a fan of simple jokes!

Yeah but how simple will simple get??????????.......lololol & don't go asking me, why did the beer sh!t in the woods............lolol

[Woof]

Whats Big and Red and eats Rocks..........................................A Big Red Rock Eater
What is Green and has 4 legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would hurt you.......................................A Pool Table
Anyone want any more or is that enough from me....... lol

[DX grunt]

Whats Big and Red and eats Rocks..........................................A Big Red Rock Eater
What is Green and has 4 legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would hurt you.......................................A Pool Table
Anyone want any more or is that enough from me....... lol

Bring em on Dogman. They're from WA, so they must be funny. lololol

[CoR]

Have you heard about the new Irish viagra??







































It's 99% FAT free!

[DX grunt]

Nearly another keyboard CoR. Well done bro!!!

[patch697]

Whats Big and Red and eats Rocks..........................................A Big Red Rock Eater
What is Green and has 4 legs and if it fell out of a tree and landed on you it would hurt you.......................................A Pool Table
Anyone want any more or is that enough from me....... lol

Your top Dog.... You tell us..........lol

[CoR]

lol.

Why do mexican women have bowed legs?

So the men can eat with their hats on!

[CoR]

Oh got another one:


WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



'Only when he's been drinking'

[patch697]

Oh got another one:


WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



'Only when he's been drinking'

Thats a cracker Cor & you know we only Laugh cos it could be true..........lol

[locks]

A little bit of Aussie
Kulcha.....


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do

CHIP: Bar snack

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips

MODEM: What you did to the lawns

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up

WEB: What spiders make

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go

UPGRADE: A steep hill

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

[patch697]

A little bit of Aussie
Kulcha.....


LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do

CHIP: Bar snack

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips

MODEM: What you did to the lawns

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up

WEB: What spiders make

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go

CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go

YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go

UPGRADE: A steep hill

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough

I've copied that its a keeper....lolololol

[Pete's GU3]

2 bananas were lying on the side of the river bank when a turd floats by , B1 says to the turd "hows the water ", turd says " it's great come on in " B2 says to B1
"do you believe that shit "............

theres a simple one for ya plassy

[locks]

Simple jokes hey guys, ok. Why did the kid fall off his bike?

Because someone threw a fridge at him! Badoom ching!

[CoR]

Trying to think of more......

[CoR]

Broccoli Casserole
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...........Cor I have tears thanks to that one...................lol

[CoR]

:D

I will get some more soon!

[DX grunt]

The Joke Thread......


Paul's been ripped of with his thread counter. AB has set it up so it won't click over to 1,000. hahahahahahahhaha

[patch697]

The Joke Thread......


Paul's been ripped of with his thread counter. AB has set it up so it won't click over to 1,000. hahahahahahahhaha

Hay Rossco did you team up with AB for that one??????????? I know you too are up to something......lol

[DX grunt]

Hay Rossco did you team up with AB for that one??????????? I know you too are up to something......lol

Yeah. We're stalling ya count. Can't have u being the only gossiper on the forum. lol

[patch697]

Yeah. We're stalling ya count. Can't have u being the only gossiper on the forum. lol

Second to you mate.........lololololololol

[patch697]

Now now ladies, you can both gossip as much as each other!

LOLOL ....... Don't think your out of the woods here Plassy your included in this to.......lol

[Woof]

Stolen from my Club site, posted by Big Col

Traditional Maori Ceremony

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."

[DX grunt]

Stolen from my Club site, posted by Big Col

Traditional Maori Ceremony

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."

I'm laughing internally for this one!

[Woof]

OK Ross, try this one.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[DX grunt]

8/10. lol

[Pete's GU3]

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL............... I can tell my Mum that one..... Very good

[CoR]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

1. 40-ish = 49

2. Adventurous = Slept with everyone

3. Athletic = No tits

4. Average looking = Ugly

5. Beautiful = Pathological liar

6. Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills

7. Emotionally Secure = On medication

8. Feminist = Fat

9. Free spirit = Junkie

10. Friendship first = Former slut

11. Fun = Annoying

12. New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places

13. Old-fashioned = No BJs

14. Open-minded = Desperate

15. Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing

16. Passionate = Sloppy drunk

17. Professional = Bitch

18. Voluptuous = Very Fat

19. Large frame = Hugely Fat

20. Wants Soul Mate = Stalker



(additional language assists, if needed) :



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[patch697]

lol........Plassy your hurting my head.......lolololololol

[CoR]

hahahaha.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, there was a tap at the door.....

What a stupid place to put a tap!

[patch697]

You blokes are shocking........ Stop it the pare of you...........lol

[DX grunt]

And down at that ranch there was a bar. A horse walked in and the barman said "Why the long face?"

Had to read it twice but got it in the end. hahaha

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOLOLololololololOLOLOLOLOLOLOl............. ..............................................YOUR BLOODY FULL OF IT PLASSY.....................lololololololololol

[patch697]

lolololololol...................... Not even close........................lololololololol

[CoR]

3 blokes from the Nissan Patrol Forum were on holiday in New York. Plasnart, CoR and Patch. Well they'd been driving all over the place for a week and looking at all the tourist sights and they had become bored. They were up on the observation deck of the Empire State Building and CoR said "I'm bored, what can we do?"

Patch said "Why don't we have a competition to see who's got the longest one?"

So Patch sticks his out and it went down 3 floors. "How's that fellas? 3 storeys long!!"

"That's nothing" said CoR. He stuck his out and it went down 12 floors! "Now that's what I call a whopper! 12 storeys long!!"

"Get out of the way you try-hards" said Plassy, and stuck his out.

All of a sudden he starts wiggling his hips like he's doing the hula-hoop.

"Bloody Hell what are you doing wiggling your hips around like that?" asked CoR.

"Dodging the traffic."



LMFAO you funny bugger!!

[CoR]

Oh got another one:


Old Fart AFL Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Goal, 6 Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Goal, tied score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 12 points to 6.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Goal, tied score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, a
'Point, I lead 13 to 12.'
Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[CoR]

and another:

Irish Joke


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died – Muldoon was beside himself with grief.

He went to Father Patrick the local parish priest and asked…..
“Father me dog is dead! Can ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied….”I’m afraid not, we cannot have a service for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane and there’s no telling what they believe….maybe they’ll do something for the poor creature”.

Muldoon says ..” I’ll go right away Father, do ya think 5000 pounds is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic”.

[patch697]

LOLOLOL Nicely done........& very funny too.....lololol

[CoR]

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

[patch697]

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Im shaking my head right now CoR but im laughing as im doing it....lolololololololol

[CoR]

hahaha.

Oh this is not a competition lol

[patch697]

yeah it is mate, just a dry one (a bit like that last joke....lololol)

[CoR]

oh ok lol :P

[patch697]

Come on Cor I meant it in a good way....... I love these jokes, there simple & funny as (if I remember right? I started the thread with one....lol) so give us some more....PLEEEAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSE

[CoR]

ok.........................ok LOL

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

A Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman..
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL....................See now that the stuff right there..........lololol Top marks.

What a bloody shame Plassy & Rossco weren't here for that one.....lol

[CoR]

lmao. I will post more soon m8 :D

[CoR]

A good postman.....


One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play
WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL...........Funn7y as, Top stuff.....lolol

[CoR]

http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh137/corroded_brain/Pearler.jpg

[AB]

Love it!!!

Nice one!!!

[patch697]

On the floor LMAO..................Top stuff

[Woof]

Brilliant:bowdown:

[CoR]

More coming soon lol

[patch697]

More coming soon lol

The stage is yours..................lolol

[CoR]

Test forDementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answerall of them immediately. OK?


Let's find out just how clever you really are....



Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)












First Question:

You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?


You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.....









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

[Woof]

Yeah I got the last one correct:icon_victory:

[AB]

Thats full on Cor, I had to actually get the calculator for the maths question just to make sure...lol

[patch697]

Nicely done, I didn't stuff up any of them (believe it or not) must be all that suduku I guess....lol

[Finly Owner]

Hmm not happy with myself........................................

[CoR]

Ahwell, I had to post something lol

[CoR]

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a
worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been
promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently
suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):


Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

[locks]

crack up Cor, some people really are just plain stupid!

[patch697]

Man Funny as But Im giving 100 bonus points for all that typing. Top job CoR


Cheers
Paul

[NickBGU4]

Cor that was brilliant, I spent 20 years in the computer industry and some people really are that dumb.

[CoR]

hahaha. Some of them are real thick!

[Pete's GU3]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

[AB]

Nice... Thats a good old fashioned dad joke....Love it!!!

[Pete's GU3]

Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

[AB]

When driving past a cemetery, 'You know, that is the dead centre of town!'

When driving past a cemetery, 'That place is pretty popular, people are dying to get in there!'

Where are we Dad?' .... 'In the car'

When driving past a woman, 'ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good.'

When an emergency service vehicle goes past with siren blazing, 'You'll not sell many ice creams going that fast.

[Pete's GU3]

A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"

[patch697]

hahahahahah Very good you too both gave me a giggle.....lol Cheers

[patch697]

Have now.....lololol........

What happened BTW?

[patch697]

mate, i wouldn't have a clue. That's why i was askin'!

lolololololololol........roflmao

[CoR]

Why do Mexican Women have bowed legs?
So the men can eat with their hats on!

[DX grunt]

Q. What's the fastest thing in the world?
A. Milk - because it's pasturized before you know it.

Q. What goes around and around a washing machine at 100mph?
A. Norm Bleechy.

A couple I remember from when I was a kid.

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOL............ Oldies but goodies Rossco...lol

I haven't heard those in what seems like forever...

Still funny though........lolol

[patch697]

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out
some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says "Let's start by talking about what you both have in common."




The husband says "Well for starters, neither one of us s**ks d**k."

[patch697]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush....."

[patch697]

THE OUTHOUSE POEM


The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

[CoR]

haha, good one!

[CoR]

Irish Joke


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died – Muldoon was beside himself with grief.

He went to Father Patrick the local parish priest and asked…..
“Father me dog is dead! Can ya be saying a mass for the poor creature?”

Father Patrick replied….”I’m afraid not, we cannot have a service for an animal in the church, but there are some Baptists down the lane and there’s no telling what they believe….maybe they’ll do something for the poor creature”.

Muldoon says ..” I’ll go right away Father, do ya think 5000 pounds is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick exclaimed “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic”.

[patch697]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating

for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.



My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.



One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm

going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,

just come up and get me.'



I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I

stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!



With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'



And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[patch697]

A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blond begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.



Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground, time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, when to her great fortune, Frank, the Woolworths supermarket trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[patch697]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu..

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

[patch697]

This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses."

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"




The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...





NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[CoR]

lol some good ones here. Keep it up!

Here's another one:


A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet .
As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:
'SEX
FROGS'

Only $20 each!
Comes with complete instructions.


The Girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie..
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . ..
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:


'LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE ....
MORE ....
TIME!!!'

[CoR]

More to come soon lol.

[NSGUPotrol]

nice keep em comin

[NickBGU4]

TOMMY COOPER JOKES

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '

'Is it common?'

'It's not unusual....'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really heavy.'

14. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

[NickBGU4]

Doing it wrong!!!!

[patch697]

Nicely done mate....lolololololololol

[NickBGU4]

* SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.



* SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.



* TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.



* BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.



* SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.



* SALMON DAY..

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.



* CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.



* PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. [This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake].



* SINBAD.

Single Income No boyfriend And Desperate



* AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.



* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.



* OH - NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake [e.g. you've hit 'reply all ].



* GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.



* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.



* MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.



* MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.



* MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.



* TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.



* TRAMP STAMP

Tattoo on a female



* PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

[NickBGU4]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[NickBGU4]

Got stopped for speeding yesterday.

I thought i could talk my way out of it,
until the officer looked at
my dog in the back seat.

[NickBGU4]

To my dear husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had today with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it wasn't too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry about me.

I was coming home from shopping, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a stop when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I enclosed a picture for you just to put you mind at ease.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife,

XXXXXXXXXX




Oh, by the way, your girlfriend called.

[patch697]

Oh, by the way, your girlfriend called.\


ROTFLMAO..........................Top effort.

[AB]

They were a crack up.

Seagull manager...lol...Never heard that one.

[12345]

lol^^^^
good jokes !
keeping

[NickBGU4]

The teacher told Pepito to use the Following words in a sentence:
**
1. *Cheese**
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.*

**
*2. *Mushroom**
*When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.*

**
3. *Shoulder**
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read,*
So I, shoulder.*
***
4. ** Texas ***
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me,*
Che wonders where I*am!*
***
5. *Herpes**
Me and my fren ordered pizza.**
I got mine piece,then che got herpes.*

**
*6. *July***
Ju told me ju were going to tha store, but ju went to see sum guy. July to me!* Julyer!*
***
7. *Rectum***
I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!*
***
8. *Chicken***
I was going to go to the store with my wife*, but che said chicken go herself.*
***
9. *Wheelchair***
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair*
***
10. *Chicken* *wing**
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.*
***
11. *Harassment**
My wife caught me in bed with another women.*
I told her,* "Honey, harassment nothen to me.*
***
12. *Bishop***
My wife fell down the stair, so I had to pick the bishop.*

**
13. *Body wash***
I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.*
***
14. *Budweiser***
That women has a nice body,*Budweiser face so ugly?*

[NickBGU4]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked,*'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered,*'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'* Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.*Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:*'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:*'9.'*

Principal: 'What is6 x 6?'*

Harry:*'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.*
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,*'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'*
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,'Let me ask him some questions.'*
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks,*'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'*

Harry, after a moment:*'Legs.'

Ms Brooks:*'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'*

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!*

Harry replied:*'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks:*'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:*'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks:*What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?'*

Harry:*'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.*

Ms. Brooks:*'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'*

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,*'Bubble gum.'*

Ms. Brooks:*'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'*

Harry:*'Shake hands.'*

The principal was trembling..*

Ms. Brooks:*'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'*

Harry:*'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[NickBGU4]

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another
patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo replies,

'Shhh, I'm s h a g g i n g Kenny's wife while he's in*Melbourne '.

[NickBGU4]

What does a Muslim pus*sy look like????

[CoR]

lol. some good ones coming through!


ITALIAN PREGNANCY


An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

'You try again.' and the mom fainted..

[Woof]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door.
When the madam came to answer it, she saw this little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money to buy it, and wasn’t leaving until he got it. The madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he’d heard that all the men were having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others.

He said: “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I’m going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitters bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom will go to bad and they’ll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he’ll have a quickie with mom, and he’ll catch it and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.

[Woof]

http://i296.photobucket.com/albums/mm190/Uriah57/carrier.jpg

[NickBGU4]

Thanks for the laugh Doggie, just glad I wasn't drinking a cuppa when I read them...

[AB]

Love the cat carrier mate!!!

[DX grunt]

After Monday and Tuesday there's W T F.

[NickBGU4]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The
firefighter looked a little closer. *The girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

[NIZZBITS]

One for the AFL people (mostly mexicans).
First Neil Mitchell named the Collingwood players that the police have questioned regarding harrassing some girl. Now he has named the girl too.

The girls name is Nick Reiwoldt and she reckons three Collingwood players harrassed her for about 100 minutes the Saturday before last. :)

[NIZZBITS]

Further to that latest info say Leon Davis was accused of it the week before but said he didn't touch anyone all day.

[CoR]

Hi guys, haven't been around much lately, but got a good one for ya's ;)


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,
he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes
and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,
but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting
in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another
20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you,
you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[rkinsey]

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those "F------ LESSONS" I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken "golf lessons" instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43........

[gec]

Answers To Everything

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new wife and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

[gec]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing... "Hey, this tastes like sh!t!"
Then I would say,"It IS sh!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

[gec]

Dumb Kid A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This is the dumbest kid
in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"

[gec]

Exercise for 40 and older
I am using this method......is anybody else doing it?

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks.

Then try 50-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level,put a potato in each of the sacks.

[gec]

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to
Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.

[gec]

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's party. Jack was not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

He took the aspirins, cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian'

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16-year-old son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, 'Son, what happened last night?'

Well, you came home after 3 A.M. drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replied, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!'

Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

[gec]

Be Careful Who You Flirt With
A couple was invited to a swanky family, masked Halloween party. The
wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there as no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So, he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,
decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume
was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and
put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for this outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."

[gec]

Are you using the right tool ?
DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b**** TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'Son of a b****' at the top of your lungs. Used in
conjunction with any of the other tools and processes above. It is
also, most often, the next tool that you will need right afterwards .

[AB]

The scary thing about that is I can relate to almost every single one!

[rkinsey]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[AB]

Great work mate! cracked me up.

Some people overseas still have no idea what Australia is like. I'm sure thousands of Amercians still think we ride Kangaroos to school/work!

[Muzza]

Every comment made me laugh. Thanks Rkinsey.

[rkinsey]

Yep the Yanks are gullible.

This isnt a joke and actually happened, but bloody funny.

Many years ago (about 20) after leaving the military I was travelling around Australia as a door to door salesman. I traveled with about 25 other people working and travelling their way around Aus. The were a bunch from all over the world, Canada, Sweden, UK, US etc.

We were on our way to Alice Springs from Adelaide so we decided to stop over at Uluru and have a look around. We got up before dawn and headed to the rock and spent the best part of 2 hours getting to the top.

The view from the top of the rock is spectacular and you can see for miles in absolutely every direction. I was standing, looking off into the distance, remembering that I had just left my camera in the glove box of the car so was drinking in the sight of the Olgas over in the distance when about half a dozen of the crew I was traveling with came over. One young Canadian fella asks "Hey Rob, Whats that?" He was pointing at the Olgas.

Now, in the distance, The Olgas do look similar in shape to Uluru although a little bigger, and made up of the same red sandstone as Uluru. I picked up a small piece of the rock the size of a pebble and easily crushed it to sand between my thumb and finger and said "Thats the old Uluru. See all the paths and grooves worn into the rock? (The Olgas look like a group of boulders sitting together) Well, we've had that many tourists climb all over the thing in the past ten years they have eroded it down quite extensively so they have had to build this one you are standing on now....."

The group of Japanese tourists standing not far off started laughing as their tour guide was translating what I had just said.

The group I was with just looked at me nodding their heads looking at the Olgas.......



As I breath, this is a true story..

Cheers,

Rob

[gec]

Puns for Educated Minds

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.

3. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

4. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

5. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

6. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here, Ill go on a head.

7. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

8. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

9. A backward poet writes inverse.

10. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, youd be in Seine.

11. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, Im sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

12. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you cant have your kayak and heat it too.

13. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, Ive lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, Im positive.

14. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

[gec]

Memo to all employees:


SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.





In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(S.H.I.T).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS.
(D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING.
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T any more, and are full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS.
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION.
(M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T).

This course emphasises how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(H.O.T.S.H.I.T).
Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING.
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T).

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T They have already had their fill of S.H.I.T.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,

The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T)

[NickBGU4]

An Australian, a Kiwi and a Yarpie (South African) are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Suth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says. The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull mate, in Niw Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "In Australia we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.!!!!!!"

[gec]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[gec]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

[NickBGU4]

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was
visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to

be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple

of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

===============================================

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy sh*t!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out.

I hope they think this tastes like food.

===============================================

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on
my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking p1ss off a thistle.

===============================================

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more
beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting sh*t-faced from all the
beer.

===============================================

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. b!tch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

===============================================

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I f@rted and four people behind me needed hospital
treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them
you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

===============================================

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and
peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and
dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping
from my ar$ehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with
a red hot poker and I've just sh!t myself when I f@rted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to

stand behind me except that . Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I
thought.

I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

I think if I sit on the toilet now, my ar$ehole will go down for a drink of
water.

===============================================

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear
soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and
now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of
lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.

Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

===============================================

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.

[rkinsey]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! That is absolutely bloody hilarious!! love this thread

[NickBGU4]

There's a bloke sitting at a bar at the top of the Empire state building, he's looking kind of perplexed when a well dressed business man say's "whats troubling you?"
to which the bloke replied
"I've been sitting here studying the wind, and I think I could jump out of a western window and be blown back in"
And without another word, downs his beer and takes a flying leap out the window! A few seconds pass and sure enough the bloke comes flying back through!
"that's amazing" exclaimed the well dressed business man, "I am going to have ago!"
He quickly jumps out the window and falls to his death...
At which point the bartender leans over and say's
"you can be a real prick when your pissed superman"

[gec]

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f%&#ing business!"

[NickBGU4]

A little guy is sitting in a bar when a thug comes in and smacks him in the face and says "thats karate from Korea"
After the little bloke recovers and again is sitting up the thug comes back and hits him in the face again, that's "Kung Fu" from Japan.
This time the little guy crawls out of the bar and comes back about half hour later and creeps up behind the thug and hits him knocking him out cold, the little guy turns to the barman and says, when he comes to tell him that was "Shovel" from Bunnings.

[NickBGU4]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later, the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and
Savior?'

But Mary did not stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

[NickBGU4]

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid b!tch...why else would I buy dog food??

[CoR]

An Aboriginal guy walked past me yesterday and I noticed he only had 1 thong on his foot.

I said "did you lose a thong mate?"

He said "nah I found one!"

[gec]

In 1872 New Zealand invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

[Woof]

In 1872 New Zealand invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first.

Love it Glen, well done mate

[NickBGU4]

Hazardous Materials Data Sheet

[NickBGU4]

A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards. Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!" Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck." "No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It"s mine!"

"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer. "Country way? What's that?" says the hunter. "We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck... that is, unless you're yella." "Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter. "Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly dies. After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!" The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."

[Pete's GU3]

Who's the most popular man at a nudist beach ?
The guy holding 2 beers and 7 donuts .

[bsax]

3 tomatoes walking along the road,
a daddy tomato, a mother tomato and a baby tomato.
the baby tomato starts to fall behind so the father tomato turns around walks back and squashes it
he then says "ketchup"

who knows what movie this joke is from? =p

[AB]

Nice one Plassy...haha

[CoR]

MEDICARE COVERAGE


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

[patch697]

hahahahahahahahah...................GOLD CoR well done mate.....lololol

[CoR]

lol, i liked it also that's why i posted it :D

[the ferret]

so I might

[patch697]

so I might

hahahah....... the three word game was one across..........lololololol

[Woof]

Good on you Ferret, that got a laugh from everyone:smiley_thumbs_up::smiley_thumbs_up:

[Pete's GU3]

The chilean miners finally got rescued , one night Pepe was in bed with wife about to get intimate and says to wife" can we turn off the lights ," "sure thing anything you want darling " then he says "do you mind turning around ", "sure anything you want "."one more thing darling ,can i call you Pedro"..

[patch697]

A man gets pulled over by the police & when approaching the man the officer seen a VB label stuck to his forehead, with that the officer asks "you been drinking sir" the bloke turns to the copper & says nar mate im on the patches.....

[Bigrig]

I was walking along the street one day when I saw this bloke with a fishing rod and line, constantly casting it from the sidewalk out to the white line in the middle of the road and then reeling it back in again. I stopped to watch, figuring the bloke was a bit soft in the head, and after a while, I couldn't resist any longer and walked over to him and said "how ya goin old mate, how many you caught?" ... he turned around slowly with a smile on his face and said "your the eighth one today" ...

Not the best one ever, but a good clean one for the kiddies - figure I can't post the blue ones, and apart from this one, and the "why do cows wear bells" joke, I don't know any clean ones ...

oh, by the way, they wear bells because their horns don't work (badda bing).

[CoR]

lol......


Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder...

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.
Having not seen my wife for several months,
I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower
with a towel wrapped round her head -
so I shot her !

[wildgu6]

[QUOTE=Bigrig;17912]I was walking along the street one day when I saw this bloke with a fishing rod and line, constantly casting it from the sidewalk out to the white line in the middle of the road and then reeling it back in again. I stopped to watch, figuring the bloke was a bit soft in the head, and after a while, I couldn't resist any longer and walked over to him and said "how ya goin old mate, how many you caught?" ... he turned around slowly with a smile on his face and said "your the eighth one today" ...

LOL................ Good one Big Fella................LOL
I like it a lot..........LOL

My turn.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does
His elbow hits her on the breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'

Cheers Pete

[gec]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

[patch697]

LOLOLOL........... Well done mate .....lolol

[paulzy924]

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?




A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

[gec]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

[patch697]

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.

LOL......ROFLMAF................... Top marks

[Bigrig]

I've obviously changed this to make it a bit less blue for the kids - so insert the appropriate words as you feel necessary ...

A couple of blokes fishing notice another fella standing just up the beach from them wearing a tuxedo.
The man in the tuxedo doesn't look fazed at all, simply baiting his line and throwing it in.
A little while passes and the two blokes can't stand it anymore and coax each other into asking the man in the tuxedo 'what's his story'.
So they amble up beside him, do the obligatory nod of the head and say "g'day" ...
the fella in the tuxedo says, "how's it going guys" ...
"Yeah, good mate" they say
Then comes the question "look mate, forgive us for asking, but what's the story on wearing the tuxedo in the surf for fishing"
"I'm on my honeymoon" replies the man quite proudly
"Your honeymoon?" they retort with a giggle "Then why aren't you up there giving it to the missus?"
"I can't" he says "she's got herpes"
The two blokes look at each other in stunned silence wondering if the bloke is for real ... going along with it, they ask
"Well, then why don't you roll her over and go in the back door mate"
"I can't" he says "she's got aids"
At this the blokes are beyond astonishment and figure they are dealing with a whacko ...
"Then how about pushing her down and getting some pleasure for yourself mate" they say
"I can't" he says "she's got syphillus"
At this the blokes can't hold it together anymore and put the obvious question to him ...
"Mate, if she's got herpes, aids and syphillus, it has to asked, why the hell did you marry her then?"
"Well" says the man "I'm a real avid fisherman and as it turns out, she's got worms too !!!!"

[gec]

The electric fence and I


The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that ****ing Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **** your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in ****, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of January, 38 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- ****, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

[gec]

"Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife".
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

"Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately,
I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner,
my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone,
Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say,
"don't do it, dipshit,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and .. . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .
WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner,
then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position,
with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing
until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P.S. My wife loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think Education is difficult,
try being stupid."

[gec]

MAKING A BABY...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted

[gec]

Why am I so tired??

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
Sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or
Anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why: The population of this country is 20 million. [Australia!] 9
Million are retired.

That leaves 11 million to do the work.There are 7 million in school,
Which leaves 4 million to do the work.

Of this there are 2 million employed by the federal government, leaving 2
Million to do the work. 0.5 Million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With finding Osama bin Laden.

Which leaves 1.5 million to do the work. Take from the total the 1million
People who work for state and local governments, and that leaves 500,000
People to do the work.

At any given time there are 280,000 people in hospitals, leaving 220,000
People to do the work.


Now, there are 219,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to
Do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your @ss, at your computer,
Reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

[gec]

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...it's pretty damn smart.

Girls -- Please have a sense of humour!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bi**h knows I'm smarter than her.

[gec]

we all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:smile: means a smile and
:frown: is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around




(_x_) kiss my arse


(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse

[gec]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute;

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

[gec]

WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2007 Saturday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - MAN'S DIARY:



Saturday 28 July


Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

[gec]

It's not what you say but how you say it...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached
her and said:

"Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[patch697]

Hahahahahahahahahah................roflmao

[Bigrig]

we all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
:smile: means a smile and
:frown: is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around




(_x_) kiss my arse


(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse
(_?_) Dumb arse

Love it gec ... simple is often the best!!! Well done mate.

[Bigrig]

A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Why'd they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow was already taken!

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Your family tree is a cactus full of pricks.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok you two, don't start anything.

[gec]

New Bra Design
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A & M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

[Col.T]

Teacher was explaining to the class that humans were the only creatures that stuttered and asked the class what they thought of that.
Little Mary put up her hand and said she didn't think that was true.
Teacher said she thought it was but perhaps Mary could tell class why she thought otherwise.
Well, Mary said , her Gran had given her a lovely little kitten for her birthday and they were playing out in the backyard when the neighbours big dog saw them through the fence. It took a run up, jumped and cleared the fence and rushed up to little Kitty and me and that's when kitty stuttered.
Good Heavens said the teacher, how do you mean?
Well, Mary said, Kitty said FFFFF..........FFFFF..........FFFFF....but before she could say F*** OFF the dog ate her.

[NissanGQ4.2]

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his mob in remote territory when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackaroo,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your mob,
will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously not a local, then looks at
his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the jackaroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle .. This is a
mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

[Bigrig]

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his mob in remote territory when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackaroo,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your mob,
will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously not a local, then looks at
his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the jackaroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle .. This is a
mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

It says it all really doesn't it?? lolol

[patch697]

A Queensland jackaroo is overseeing his mob in remote territory when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a cloud of dust towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the jackaroo,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your mob,
will you give me a calf?'
The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously not a local, then looks at
his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives
an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the
data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his blackberry and, after a
few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the jackaroo and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Jackaroo.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the Jackaroo says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'
'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackaroo.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the jackaroo. 'You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of
expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to
show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cattle .. This is a
mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

LOL............Nice.

[Col.T]

Toddy
absobloodylutely magnificent
Col

[Bob]

Andy(AB),Paul(PATCH(97) and Bob(BOB) went 4 wheel driving up the high Country and Paul was driving.
When attempting to climb up to the Bluff Hut Paul was not paying attention and dropped off the Track and we were all killed.
Unfortunately none of us qualified for Heaven and went downstairs.
The three of us were lined up by the Devil's assistant and he proceeded as follows

Bob you are to walk down that Passage and enter room 201.
I walked down the Passage and entered room 201 and there laying on a bed was the fattest and ugliest woman that you could imagine. The door was welded shut behind me and a voice came over the intercom which said Bob for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Andy you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 301
Andy walked down the Passage and entered room 301 and there laying on the bed was an old hag with warts hanging off her nose. The door was welded shut behind And and a voice came over the intercom which said Andy for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Paul you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 401.
Paul walked down the Passage and entered room 401 and there laying on the bed was Bo Derrick with no clothes on. The door was welded shut and a voice came over the intercom which said Bo Derrick for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity

[Bigrig]

Andy(AB),Paul(PATCH(97) and Bob(BOB) went 4 wheel driving up the high Country and Paul was driving.
When attempting to climb up to the Bluff Hut Paul was not paying attention and dropped off the Track and we were all killed.
Unfortunately none of us qualified for Heaven and went downstairs.
The three of us were lined up by the Devil's assistant and he proceeded as follows

Bob you are to walk down that Passage and enter room 201.
I walked down the Passage and entered room 201 and there laying on a bed was the fattest and ugliest woman that you could imagine. The door was welded shut behind me and a voice came over the intercom which said Bob for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Andy you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 301
Andy walked down the Passage and entered room 301 and there laying on the bed was an old hag with warts hanging off her nose. The door was welded shut behind And and a voice came over the intercom which said Andy for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity.

Paul you are to walk down the Passage and enter room 401.
Paul walked down the Passage and entered room 401 and there laying on the bed was Bo Derrick with no clothes on. The door was welded shut and a voice came over the intercom which said Bo Derrick for all your sins on earth this is what you must suffer for eternity

Like it!!! Well done Bob ... sorry Paul, but if the orthepaedic shoe fits !!! lol

[patch697]

LOLOLOL............... I cant understand how I missed this one BR & im more than happy to become Bo Derrick's Punishment...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[Bob]

LOLOLOL............... I cant understand how I missed this one BR & im more than happy to become Bo Derrick's Punishment...LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Yeah you did come out of that the Winner. I was the one that was supposed to get Bo but I must have got too excited

[Bigrig]

I think I'll end up with Susan Boyle!!! lol ... or is that, she'll end up with me?? hmmmmm ... lmfao

[Col.T]

Jeeeeeez Plazzy
that's dreadful, you orta be ashamed
Col.

[patch697]

What's green and goes up and down?






A cucumber in an elevator!!!

Gotta love these stupid Xmas jokes!

I thought it was a cracker Plassy...... laughed my A off.......

[gec]

Prozac

DEAR DIARY

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!

DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.

DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!

[patch697]

Prozac

DEAR DIARY

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!

DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.

DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!

Top read, Top marks....ROFLMAO

[Woof]

Just read this one, it was posted by Hogman on The 4WD Show forum, really appealed to my strange sense of humor.

Proud to be an Aussie
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



Just makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

[patch697]

LOLOLOLOL........................Mine too Doggy........Top marks.......lololol

[Maxhead]

Just read this one, it was posted by Hogman on The 4WD Show forum, really appealed to my strange sense of humor.

Proud to be an Aussie
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British , in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all. Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."



Just makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

Love it mate, still laughing my ass off!!!

[gec]

If Men Got Pregnant...

* Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.

* There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

* Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

* Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags.

* They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

* Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

* They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

* Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

[katwoman]

and the human race would be extinct !!!

[gec]

The Perfect Job

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I
got canned...couldn't concentrate.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited
for it...mainly because it was just a sew-sew job.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little
spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too
exhausting.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

I attempted to be a deli worker,but any way I sliced it,I
couldn't cut the mustard.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I was fired from a job at a zoo feeding the giraffes because
I just wasn't up to it.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't
fit in.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

I found being an electrician was interesting, but the work
was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got
a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in
it.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have
the patients to finish.

My very best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.

[gec]

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.


It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 000?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.

"Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . . um . . .masturbate.

"Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just... just... excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.

And giggle

And then even laugh loudly. :lol: :lol:

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just.. that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little....."

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!


Moral of the story:

Pay attention in biology class -
lizards lay eggs

[gec]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[nowoolies]

yesterday my wife asked why dont i do somthing useful with my time
she suggested i go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys
i did this and when i got home last night i told her that i had joined a
parachute club
she said are you nuts? your almost 70 years old and your going to start jumping out of airplanes??
i proudly showed her that i even got a membership card
she said to me 'you idiot where are your glasses !
this is a membership to a prostitute club not a parachute club!!!
im in trouble again and dont know what to do
i signed up for 5 jumps a week
life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier....

[Pete's GU3]

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

[Clunk]

Two eggs were boiling in a pan, one said to the other "Would you like to see my crack?"
The other replied "I'm not even hard yet!!!"


Two parrot on a Perch, one said to the other "Do you smell fish?"


Two Goldfish in a tank, one said to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


Two sausages in a frying pan, one said to the other "It's hot in here",
"F@#@ me a talking sausage!!!!" said the other


OK ok ok I know ............... I'll stop now

[Pete's GU3]

Guy says to a sexy girl in the bar "Hey dont you work at Subway " ...."No why says the girl "...."because you just gave me a foot long".....

[Woof]

Hey Clunk, thanks for this one mate, really appeals to my warped sense of humour, love it.http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/
Two sausages in a frying pan, one said to the other "It's hot in here",
"F@#@ me a talking sausage!!!!" said the other

[Clunk]

Hey Clunk, thanks for this one mate, really appeals to my warped sense of humour, love it.http://www.nissanpatrol.com.au/forums/
Two sausages in a frying pan, one said to the other "It's hot in here",
"F@#@ me a talking sausage!!!!" said the other

Cheers Doggy, I've got a pretty warped sense of humour too, I like them short and sweet, can't be dealing with reading for 10 mins to get to the punchline hahahaha........ I'm so lazy

[Bob]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[rkinsey]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[patch697]

Love the jokes Guys..... Top effort.


Cheers
Paul

[Bigrig]

Love the jokes Guys..... Top effort.


Cheers
Paul

Yep, that last batch from Rob were crackers - cut and paste some of them to mates via text message!!!

[timbar]

Q: What do women and choc chill have in common?

A: You know whats on the inside taste great. but its so damn hard to get them flaps open

[Bob]

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

[Clunk]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Clunk]

I found a bored local housewife on the Internet who said she was looking for some hot action.
So I sent her my ironing.




The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"
The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"
To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

[Bob]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

[Spock]

Important message - New Gov't Programs

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the

economy, the Australian Government has decided to implement a scheme to put

workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs

and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Govt. to be considered for the

SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW

program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the

Govt. deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants

& Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any

further by the Govt.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT

(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Govt. has always prided

itself on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to

the attention of your local MP, who has been trained to give you all the

SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and

oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the

Tunnel has been turned off

[Spock]

YOU HAVE TO SMILE,
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably fishing with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

[Spock]

Some times I wonder

"Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"

then it hits me..



Some people are like slinkies

they're really good for nothing

but they bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs....




If sometimes you feel a little depressed or useless

Remember this.....

you were once the fastest and most victorious little sperm out of millions

[Spock]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating...

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that f#@king gay shit in our garden' she said.